John Carter

Written and Directed by Andrew Stanton. Also written by Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon and Edgar Rice Burroughs (story). Starring Taylor Kitsch (John Carter), Lynn Collins (Dejah Thoris) and Willem Dafoe (Tars Tarkas).

Bottom line: I didn't expect much and I didn't get much; it would've been more fun if they didn't try to make a story out of it.
1/4

Just to give you a heads up about what the story is about: The title character, John Carter, is a wayward cavalry man from Virginia. After losing his blonde wife and daughter in a war, he wants to escape. He finds a cave of gold yadda yadda yadda he is transported to Mars and fights in a Martian civil war.

Whenever I watch a movie, I try to take little notes in a notebook and, when I go to write a review, I look back at said notes. In the case of John Carter, I wrote down "fancy special effects" in two different places. So, if nothing else, I must've had good special effects. At the same time, I have a tendency to write "fancy" with a slightly sarcastic tone. It really means, I was supposed to be wow'ed enough by the graphics to overlook the slapdash excuse of a story.

It is the dialogue that really pulls down the rest of the movie. There is a bunch of effort spent on making Mars and world with its own history but there is no reason to remember it or become emotionally involved. In short, the bad Blue Martian group is fighting the good Red Martian group and the neutral Green group is bitter about the constant fighting. John Carter falls in the love with the attractive princess of the Red group. I didn't really see what made the Blue Martians so bad but, I suppose it is one of those things we have to accept. There real villains come in the form of other aliens who are, essentially, ultra-powerful Nihilists. The plot tries to thicken but I will just leave it off here.

Objection 1. The neutral Green Martians are getting my racism-senses a-tingling. I feel like they are supposed to be Native Americans but Disney didn't want to fall into the trap of making either the Whites or Native Americans the bad guys.

Objection 2. Gay marriage is bad but as long as the couple looks like a white male and female, everything is OK. Note, the Martian Princess is, after all, a different species.

Objection 3. The movie gives up on itself towards the end. A character informs Carter that Dejah (Collins) is the <Name for the Red Group> next in line to be <Name for Red Martian Ruler>. John Carter sighs and says, "The Princess of Mars."

No, John. She isn't the princess of Mars. There is no ‘Mars’, there are groups fighting to control Mars and she is not the "princess". Thinking about it, naming the movie John Carter is fitting. After going through all the work of making a history, the movie just drops it. Was John’s statement to translate the Martian into terms which the audience (i.e. children) could understand? If that is needed, then perhaps the Martian terms should’ve been edited.

Overall, John Carter can be dismissed; don't feel bad about choosing something with substance to spend your time. The pretty graphics aren't nearly pretty enough to save this lame Science Fiction movie.